Forget your haircut, the clothes you’re wearing, and your body language; believe it or not, your bartender can tell everything about you by what you order at the bar. Here is what your drink order says about you (according to your bartender):
Goose & Cranberry (or Red Bull): You don’t know what you’re doing.
Whiskey, neat: You’re hot.
Jäger Bombs: If you are a male, you miss your frat boys. If you are a female, you have low self-esteem that can only be appeased by sex with a stranger.
Old-Fashioned: You recognize the value in hard work, and hold the reward for that hard work in high regard.
Bailey’s on the rocks: You still live at home with your parents.
Moscato: You’re just ordering this ‘cause you heard it in a Drake song (p.s. it is a sweet Italian wine).
Bacardi 151 for a friends: You’re a dick.
Bacardi 151 for yourself: There’s something wrong with you.
Demand something free: You are with a group of squealing girls wearing tiaras and/or matching shirts and will tip poorly (if at all).
Long Island Iced Tea: Your ID is fake and you are here to get white-girl wasted.
Apple-Tini: You hate the taste of alcohol.
Whatever’s cheap: (In my head: you!). This is an sign that you won’t be tipping either.
Jameson: You know what you’re doing.
Cosmopolitan: You’re aging, lack imagination, and have watched too much SATC.
White Russian: You have never worked in a bar before, so you have a fool-hearted confidence that the milk in the cooler is not expired.
Shot of well Tequila: You are emotionally unstable.
Don Julio on the rocks: You too know what you’re doing.
Patron Margarita: You wish to spend $15 on a drink that will taste exactly the same as a $7 drink.
Champagne for everyone: You have too much money and don’t know what to do with it.
Hennessy and Coke: “Can you guys play some rap music?”
PBR: Hipsters don’t tip.
Alize in a snifter: “Oh, you (think you’re) fancy, huh?”
Amaretto sour: You’re a female who never knew what to order, so a bartender made it for you once and now you order it all the time because it’s the only drink you know how to order.
1 Candy Apple, 2 Porn Stars, 1 Sour Jack…: “Are you fucking with me?!” You are the bane of my existence.
Gin & Juice: “Sure buddy, is Snoop Dogg shooting a music video in here that I’m not aware of?”
A Hi-Ball: It’s your first time in a bar, you heard they were on special, but you have no idea what a hi-ball is. But you still ask the bartender for a “Hi-Ball.”
Caesar: You’re hungover.
Bottle of Rosé: You cry during sex.
Compiled by Lisa Millar-Jones from the bartenders at Caprice Nightclub and republished by permission.